Steven Wright dixit

• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
• I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
• I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
• I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. Then I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
• In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often. I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."
• I mixed my water myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
• I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...my calendar has no sevens."