Se disuelve el Comite Noruego para el Premio Nobel de la Paz!

OSLO (SATIRENEWSERVICE) -- Responding to overwhelming pressure from every civilized person on earth with any semblance of intelligence, the Nobel Peace Prize Committee today announced that it had voted to terminate its charter. Just prior to the unanimous vote, the Committee voted to rescind numerous past prizes - including the 2007 prize to itinerant comedian and performance artist Albert Gore of the United States - and award those prizes and all future prizes to the United States military.

"This about face by the Nobel Peace Committee," stated former Committee Chairman and former leader of the Norwegian Labor Party, Trygve Andreesen, "came after hundreds of millions of civilized people sent e-mails, letters, telegrams, text messages, voicemails and carrier pigeon messages demanding that we stop giving awards to Islamic martyrdom supporters like Jimmy Carter, frauds like Rigoberta Menchu and corrupt mass-murderers like Yassir Arafat."

"We got the message," said Ola Oppigardem, Committee Secretary and former leader of the Norwegian Labor Party. "The Gore prize was what did it. We acknowledge that the warming of the Earth's surface is an important issue that deserves careful scientific study, but we didn't realize that Gore was an egocentric Luddite who specializes in creating hysteria and false science. Because we closely follow the consensus media for our news, those facts were simply not available to us. This outpouring of information from concerned people everywhere caused us to reappraise our entire reason for being. We discovered we had none.

"Norway's King Harald, whose influence pushed the Nobel Committee to act, defended the Committee saying, "I truly don't believe they realized how frivolous and absurd they had become, how ridiculous, vapid, self-centered and dim-witted they appeared to intelligent people all over the world, how silly, provincial and uninformed they made the people of Norway look, how bizarre, counter-productive and downright dangerous some of their choices had been and how hackneyed and self-righteous their announcements sounded.

"At the Gala reception honoring the termination and re-awarding of the prizes, Committee Spokesperson, Karim Bekkemellem, former leader of the Norwegian Labor Party, said of the new awards: "The decision regarding the U.S. military will come as no shock to any sentient person who has given any thought at all to the matter. After a careful review of the facts, the Committee has determined that the Nobel Peace Prize awards for 56 of the past 67 years should have been presented to the United States military rather than their original recipients."

The years for which the U.S. Military will be awarded the retroactivepeace prizes include 1942 through 1991 for its work in combating, containing and defeating communist, fascist, authoritarian, Islamic and generally racist and Manichean militarism throughout the world; in 1998 for its work in protecting Muslims in the Balkans from European facilitated genocide; and from 2000-2003 and 2005-2007 for its work protecting the civilized world from aggressive Islamo-Fascism. The Award for 2004 has been re-awarded to the Australian and U.S. Navies for their work in actually delivering real and timely aid to the victims of the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami - "as opposed to simply making promises like most organizations and countries did," stated the press materials announcing the award.

The Committee also stated that it had awarded posthumously the 1936 through 1941 Nobel Peace Prizes to the late Sir Winston Churchill of the United Kingdom. The 1986-91 prizes will be shared by the U.S. military and the late U.S. President Ronald W. Reagan.

The United States military was unable to attend the lavish banquet due to previous, long-standing commitments and obligations elsewhere such as protecting civilization from genocidal madmen with mountains of oil money and an end-of-the-earth ideology. Two representatives accepted the Prizes on behalf of the U.S. military - former Senator Robert Dole (R-KS) and Senator Daniel Inouye (D-HI).

"Well, we never really expected any sincere gratitude from these Europeans," said Senator Dole, who was wounded in Europe during World War II fighting Nazis. "It's kinda nice and Elizabeth and I, we're really, almost sort of honored to be here to accept the award for people who actually do real work for peace.

"Added Senator Inouye who was also wounded defending Europe in World War II, "I always thought the peace prize was a bunch of crap given to whiney, self-aggrandizing, busybodies by a bunch of self-important, narcissistic gullible, retired, left-wing, Norwegian, gasbag politicos. These awards may cause me to consider thinking about possibly reassessing my opinion."

With regard to the future awards, the Committee issued the following statement: "In light of the Chinese, Russian, Iranian and North Korean threats, the threats of Islamic terrorists and their state-sponsors, and potential breakdown of states into warring tribal factions, the Nobel Peace Prize Committee believes that the U.S. Military will likely be the recipient of every Nobel Peace Prize for the next thirty to forty years. For that reason, the Committee has disbanded and placed its considerable financial resources into the hands of "the only institution capable of maintaining and enhancing the peace of the world."

In its final statement, the Committee stated that it specifically wished to rescind the Prizes of four political entrepreneurs: the 1972 prize awarded to Le Duc Tho, a leader in the "reeducation, prison-camp and refugee creation" business; the 1994 prize given to the late Yassir Arafat, a leader in the "corruption and violent mass murder" business; the Prize of 2002 awarded to James Earl Carter, a leader in the "egocentric dilettante serving the Saudi Arabian and other Arab regimes" business; and the 2007 prize awarded to Mr. Gore. The Committee stated that it specifically regretted these errors.